Wednesday, 4 January 2012

My New Beer resolution

NOW is the beginning of all those lovely New Year resolutions which are made by millions of people but kept by a somewhat smaller number.

Among the ones I’ve heard of so far are fervent pledges to lose weight, drink less, give up smoking and even an honest declaration to try and be kinder to people that person didn’t like.

I don’t know what drives people to make these rash statements because no sooner have they done so than it all comes crashing in on their awareness that it’s going to be a tough row to hoe, maybe too tough for them and they start to bluster or look for excuses.

By then of course it’s too late, especially if they’ve been rash enough to make their pledge within hearing of a friend or family member who will be quick to remind them of the new leaf they’re supposed to be turning over.

No such problem for me. My New Year’s resolution was not to make any stupid New Year resolutions.... well maybe one.

I’ve decided to try and help as many people as possible to explore the world of beer. This, surely, is a noble task although for some strange reason my wife is very dubious about the actual merit of this particular resolution.

She feels I may already do quite a bit in that direction which hardly qualifies me to cite it as something new, but there are always new people to meet and I feel it is only fair that she at least give me a chance by allowing me a sort of test period in which to explore the boundaries of my resolution.

I think about a year should do it.

No fear about our Olympic safety

MILITARY security has been announced on a massive scale for the 2012 London Olympic and Paralympic Games.

Thousands of soldiers and a fearsome array of ground and air hardware are to be deployed to ensure everyone is protected from whatever they need protecting from.

Unfortunately times are hard, Weymouth and Portland’s sailing events are furthest away from the seat of power and have, therefore, suffered a teeny bit of scaling back in the grand scheme of things.

However, I can reveal that a crack team of police community support officers will be deployed on pedaloes should Al Qaeda launch any mid-race attack while any attempted atrocity on land will be firmly met by the same officers, this time mounted on beach donkeys.

Modern technology will also be deployed across Weymouth and Portland and, while funding cuts mean CCTV is likely to be inoperative during the Games, police do have several pairs of binoculars.

I’m told they intend to use these from the new viewing tower near the Pavilion to spot any threats providing the rotating gondola is pointing that way at that time.

So fear not. Lack of cash overshadowing Games – or LOCOG for short – won’t stop the people of Weymouth and Portland being protected from terrorism and, in any case, we can always stay at home and watch it on television.

Still nothing to declare?

PEOPLE occasionally get themselves into trouble for the weirdest of reasons.

One Weymouth enthusiast whose interest lay with model steam engines had some pretty chequered memories of a trip to Europe during which he returned with a mechanism beautifully mounted on a wooden board.

He knew exactly what it was, anticipated no trouble when he arrived back in this country and confidently strode through Customs... who promptly pulled him in with some very grim faces.

So what was the problem with what he’d brought back?

Well it emerged that the mechanism in question was actually a still!

Customs officials were not amused by the object and the steam enthusiast took a great deal longer to get through the green channel than he thought he would.

Stand off with a squirrel

MY son has been threatened - by a squirrel.

They seem to be very territorial at this time of year – squirrels not children – and he made the mistake of walking through an area where one was feeding.

The result was an indignant confrontation between man and beast, man doing his best to step round the problem but squirrel having none of it and confronting him at every turn.

The squirrel was quite aggressive, but longer legs eventually told in my son’s favour and he was able to make good his escape. He’ll have to start carrying a pine cone or two to bribe his way clear next time.

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