Wednesday, 12 March 2014

The best performance of the Winter Olympics by far

I HAD to share this gem with you involving that shy, retiring and modest person Kim Jong-un, the leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

We’ve all watched hours of Winter Olympics coverage but, according to North Korea’s Ministry of Information, we’ve all missed the single most outstanding performance in the history of this illustrious competition.

They went on to announce that their president, “despite never having trained”, claimed gold in every event he entered including single handedly winning the pairs figure skating competition as well as the two man bob sled, setting world records “never to be broken”, in both events.

The Information Service added that their “glorious and exalted” leader, Kim Jong-un, had also taken gold in ski jumping, “flying higher and farther than scientists had previously believed humanly possible”, gold in the giant downhill slalom beating athletes from every other country including the United States and Japan, as well as capping off his visit by shutting out the entire Soviet national hockey team in a game yet to be played!

In case we were still in some doubt as to his God-like status, the Information Service concluded by saying that all victories were accomplished with “record scores and times” never to be broken in the history of mankind.

But it was also reported that the glorious leader’s modesty meant he will refuse medals, honours and all decadent Western-style celebration in favour of returning immediately to North Korea to share that glory with his people “while allowing the sun to rise and set in his honor”.

All this rhetoric may impress down-trodden North Korean residents but it didn’t cut much ice with Russia which coldly denied that Kim Jong-un was even at the games much less a participant, adding that “he would have had to qualify just as all athletes are required to do and we have no one by that name registered as a participant”.

Incensed, the leader’s spokesman angrily denied this and said it was all propaganda and the product of international jealousy over the prowess and supremacy of The Great Leader over “mortals”.

Back in the real world, I have just covered a Weymouth and Portland council meeting and the difference between elected member and Kim Jong-un was clear for all to see.
Kim Jong-un believes he might be a God whereas all the councillors at the meeting knew they were Gods… at least until the elections in May!

Time to pitch in and help with the clear up

THERE has been so much rubbish washed up on Chesil Beach after the recent storms that it almost formed its own structure on the pebbles.

Smashed up timber, dead sea birds and mountains of plastic lay like some multi-coloured beached sea monster for all to see… and it has been provoking arguments.

The debating ring includes those encouraging volunteers to come along and help clear the beach by collecting all this rubbish up and those annoyed that volunteers should be expected to pitch in when the council and other groups are said to be responsible for clearance.

Now that the jet stream has seen fit to allow us a bit of a break from a conveyor belt of vicious storms it has created time to consider the situation.

Both sides have a point and, if people want to volunteer for a clearance task like this, the council is unlikely to turn down a bit of help.

Equally, these are special circumstances, so can the authorities really be expected to shoulder all responsibility for what is washing up when community spirit means that people genuinely do want to help.

I think the answer has to be that everyone helps together and each does what they can…until it is time to take cover again from the next 90mph blast.

Reward for turning 80

A FORMER Mayor of Weymouth has contacted me to share his utter joy at turning 80.

Now anyone is entitled to jump for joy to celebrate their birthday, but the gentleman in question had a slightly more humorous reason for his celebration.

Apparently those nice people in Government always like to wish a pensioner turning 80 well and to give them a heartfelt financial reward reflecting the esteem they hold such people in.

Mike Jewkes isn’t sure yet what he is going to do with the extra 25 pence on his pension, but he could use it to buy a pack of doggie snacks, about one fifth of a litre of petrol or half a cream egg.

I’d go for the petrol Mike. The other two play hell with dentures!

The garden is my gym  

GOING out and seeing people pounding the pavements to keep fit is nothing new, but there must have been some drug in the breakfast cereal recently which powered ordinary people out in torrential rain.

I saw one woman, hair plastered down her face, slogging up a hill with a cloudburst slashing down so hard she deserved to lose a few pounds for sheer dogged persistence.

Her effort and those of a number of others I saw really show true devotion to a keep fit regime matched only by my own mantra.

This gruelling focus avoids all contact with gyms and jogging and instead pursues walking and gardening as a more enjoyable approach to weight control and fitness. The results aren’t always what I’d like but I’m rarely as miserable as those joggers.

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