Look out all politicians!
A GENERAL election will be held in the next few months and I will be voting for the Dorset Trading Standards department.
They are not putting up a candidate but they could offer an absolutely vital lifeline to sanity.
Thirty-five years as a journalist has taught me that there isn’t a single politician who lies.
They all put their party line across with dripping sincerity but, to paraphrase George Orwell, “all politicians are truthful but some are more truthful than others”.
This year the whole lot of them are in for a nasty shock.
The first would-be MP to ring my front doorbell will get all my attention but not my vote.
Instead I propose that people follow my example and bundle all their staggering claims and promises into a large envelope and post it off to Trading Standards to go through them with a fine toothcomb.
No longer will it be possible for politicians to get away with casual comments such as “We are the party of the people” or “A vote for us is a vote for the future”.
Instead those comments will get a sort of political quality control test and, if found wanting, then the politicians concerned will be fined.
I am confident that this approach could really benefit members of the public.
The prospect of politicians actually having to put their money where their mouth is should see a dramatic fall off in the number of party faithful banging on doors to interrupt meals, baths and key television moments.
That will leave us all a lot freer to distribute election leaflets for the Monster Come Dancing Looney Strictly Raving X Factor Party which does get my vote because it has promised not to knock on my door and ask for it.
Weymouth lost in a world of its own
FOR those of you who haven’t already guessed, Weymouth is not part of the real world.
Snow closed airports, blocked roads, shut schools and paralysed almost every part of the country but people across the borough only faced flurries, a few icy streets and pavements and a bit of frost on the front lawn.
Even the briefest glance at any national news programme reveals a chilling tale of countryside blanketed in white, cars abandoned or skidding out of control and excited children on sledges or building snowmen.
Nowhere did we get exclusive coverage of people sunbathing on Weymouth Esplanade, browsing for short-sleeved shirts in the sales or overhauling their mowers for the first cut of spring.
This is hardly surprising since, while the town is chilly, it has long enjoyed a sort of “Lost World” status created by the Ridgeway which seems to protect us from the worst that winter can produce.
So all of you frustrated by the lack of snow, my daughter included, appear to be facing a long wait for festive flakes unless the massive Ridgeway cutting for Weymouth’s new relief road lets a bit in.
Watch out there’s a bike about
BE AFRAID, be very afraid because Weymouth and Portland is now in the single most dangerous period of the year.
Thousands of little Christmas bikes have been bought as presents for thousands of little Christmas children and they are all out there learning how to use them.
Rambo fighting the Terminator in the cab of a runaway ammunition lorry heading for a cliff might be more dangerous, but most of us are unlikely to get embroiled in that scenario.
However, it is very likely that we will come across beginners on bikes where we risk being stabbed by a stabilizer, pulverized by a pedal or rammed by a runaway.
The current trend seems to favour the sink or swim approach of putting the little darlings on their shiny new machine, giving them a push and a cheery wave and letting them get on with it.
But as Mum or Dad watches fondly from behind the safety of a garden gate it is unsuspecting pedestrians like myself who suddenly have a quick decision to make.
We face bug-eyed little Bob or terrified Theresa careering out of control down the pavement towards us in charge of a lethal weapon.
And as we hurl ourselves out of their path and seek safety in a pyracantha hedge we can just hear parental advice that the brake is the lever on the left.
I can’t even offer ordinary people hope for the future because those same parents will later help buy their grown-up offspring a battered Subaru with a large noisy exhaust for them to learn to drive in so they can do some real damage.
No time before Easter bites
THERE is something slightly obscene about seeing Easter cream eggs prominently displayed in Weymouth and Portland shops with the New Year barely started.
I like cream eggs but I’d also like a bit of a break from Christmas feasting before having more confectionary paraded everywhere I go.
Those whose religious beliefs are strong must also be a bit bewildered.
After all, there’s nothing like celebrating the birth of Jesus on one day only to be confronted the next morning with a chocolate sweet associated with his resurrection at Easter.
If I remember my biblical quote correctly “on the third day he rose again from the dead”, so if it took Jesus three days to officially triumph over death I don’t feel it’s asking too much for shops to let a few weeks go past celebrating Christmas before chocolate trading starts to, well, bite.
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