Don’t be fooled by the no cards routine

VALENTINE’S Day is nearly on us and shoppers have already been battered for some time with goods displaying sickly red hearts.

Such displays are an emotional minefield for men because woe betide them if their wife or girlfriend doesn’t get one card she can sigh over.

No card and that sigh is exchanged for the sort of frosty breakfast table atmosphere last experienced by Captain Oates as he bravely told his doomed polar companions: “I am just going outside and may be some time.”

This portrayal of a brave man deliberately sacrificing his own life to give Captain Scott and the rest of his friends a better chance of surviving is, of course, ludicrously wide of the truth.

What really happened was that Oates realised he hadn’t sent his loved one a Valentine card and his life wouldn’t be worth living when he got home, so why not end it now.

For an occasion allegedly garnished with tender feelings there are some notoriously dangerous female remarks for us men to watch out for and here are a few of them.

“Don’t get me a card. They’re way too expensive.” Never fall for this or you will be accused of being a despicable skinflint who values her less than a cheap piece of paper.

“Let’s not bother with cards this year.” A favourite ploy here. If you take her at her word and don’t get her a card then a year at the dentist will seem like child’s play compared to the year you will be facing.

Yes, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…even if she told you to scorn her.

Naturally everything changes if she gets more than one Valentine card because then the man is not allowed to ask where these other love tokens have come from because he will fobbed off with a remark that it is “just a bit of fun”.

So, gentlemen, be on your guard and follow my advice. If she says she doesn’t expect a card then respect that wish… but keep a signed Valentine “To my bunny wunny” handy just in case.

Times must be hard in the banking world!

JANUARY is probably the worst period for business with shops battling to attract interest from bankrupt shoppers in the wake of Christmas.

There are sales for this, sales for that and a lot of sales for the other, but even the most jaded of shoppers must have shown a spark of interest at the almost incredible sight of sales being held by banks and estate agents.

It defies belief because just what are they going to offer?

Perhaps £20 notes knocked down for £10 or maybe a three-bedroom house specially reduced to a two-bedroom house! Doesn’t sound right does it?

It’s not that banks and estate agents don’t have something to sell, just that it’s a bit difficult to whip up much enthusiasm about cheaper borrowing rates or a free colour scheme of your choice if you buy that flat you’ve always wanted.

The truth is that people associate sales with shops and not with pounds and property, so it may well be a sign of just how hard times are if two such mega money earners are desperate enough to pursue something as basic as a sale.

What thunderstorm?

MORE than 50 people recently had a shock when a thunderstorm battered Weymouth… because they didn’t know it had happened!

Roads were flooded, dozens of tree branches came down and torrential rain dragged debris on to roads mounding it in drifts up to six inches high in places.

All this virtually didn’t exist for the 50 people in question because they were many feet underground attending a meeting at the Nothe Fort.

It was only as they prepared to leave that the full enormity of what had happened was made clear when staff warned them to take extreme care on steps made slick with rainwater and to watch out for surface water.

The general response was: “Thunderstorm, what thunderstorm?” because only one brief noise from the storm had been loud enough to penetrate the depths of the Fort.

The aftermath of the storm affected many people whose phones and computers were either left in a dodgy condition or knocked out altogether.

One householder only realised their phone was out of action when the person unable to reach them then walked round and knocked on their door while other people were informed that phone companies were trying to solve the problem but they were inundated by the workload.

The best line came from a man who wryly offered the tongue in cheek opinion that the entire difficulty was nothing to do with the thunderstorm at all and had actually been caused by the new traffic light system in Weymouth!

Rather them than me

A LOOK of pure relief came over the elderly woman’s face as she smiled and shook her head. She then said: “Thank God I don’t have to pay their food bill!”

The “they” in question were three enormous St Bernard dogs being taken for a stroll near Town Bridge… and boy were they big! Looked like six cans of dog food a day at least to me…. each!

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