Thursday, 28 June 2012

Send them to PPI hell

A SPECIAL place in Hell should be reserved for companies laying siege to us in our own homes about payment protection insurance.

I will go mad if I get one more call about PPI because things have got so bad now that I’m averaging about four a week despite angrily ordering all such callers to delete me from any list they have.

The people ringing have varying accents from the US to India, are scrupulously polite, greet me like a long lost friend, inquire about my health and ask what sort of day I’ve had.

Then they happily broach the fascinating subject of PPI and the rich rewards which are potentially waiting for me to cash in on, a point shortly followed by a pithy comment from me and the sound of my phone being crashed back into the cradle.

However, there may be some hope for us all.

A Weymouth man, equally frustrated at this unwelcome tide of calls, has come up with a great response to such callers. It may not deter them but it will put them off their stroke and entertain the poor householder.

He got a PPI approach from a woman who introduced herself, explained why she was calling and asked to speak to Mrs Woodward.

The man, in the deepest bass voice he could produce, replied: “Speaking...!”

He then enjoyed the stunned silence for a few seconds before putting the phone down. Come on! Fight fire with fire and give these people their comeuppance.

Now you know what it feels like

THE group of American veterans was sat quietly lost in their memories when a man came up and asked them what it had been like in Vietnam.

The group was reluctant to talk about experiences which were still clearly painful to them and they refused to be drawn, but unfortunately the man was insensitive and persistent.

Again he asked them to give details of their experiences and again he was rebuffed, but this was a man determined to pick over old wounds and he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

For the third time he asked the veterans what it had been like serving in the jungles and finally one member of the group got up and gave him a reply.

He grabbed the man by the back of his neck and rammed his face into a nearby privet hedge, saying: “That’s what it was like in Vietnam.”

Strangely this seemed to answer the man’s question and he left them alone after that!

Incandescent with rage at councillors

SCREAMS of outrage dominated a recent meeting of Weymouth and Portland planning committee.

Now councillors’ decisions don’t always please everyone and I’ve seen angry members of the public storm out before, some even commenting harshly as they left.

But the fury displayed at this meeting was so loud it drowned out debate even when windows were shut... because the anger came from a pair of seagulls outside on the roof!

They were quite simply incandescent with rage at the sudden appearance of a large group of humans visible through the glass just feet from their nest with two eggs in it.

Members and public had to tough it out and they were helped by a welcome bit of light-hearted distraction related by one councillor.

He revealed that one planning application had seen a woman very interested in the creams and waxes available at the new “polish” shop, not realising it had a capital “P” and was actually the Polish delicatessen in King Street!

Is that what ouzo is for?

A WEYMOUTH man on holiday in Greece arrived at his accommodation, dumped his suitcase, and popped out briefly for a bite to eat before going to bed as it was late and he was very tired.

Unfortunately his tiredness meant he forgot to close a window and by morning he had 30 mosquito bites and looked like he was suffering from chickenpox.

Later that day he took his spotty complexion to a local bar where he bemoaned his fate to the owner who tried his best to help.

The sympathetic owner told the man that he might like to consider a sovereign remedy for his spots which basically involved rubbing the famous Greek national drink, ouzo, over the bites.

The man’s troubles then got a lot worse rather than better when he attempted to crack a joke, saying: “I always knew that ouzo wasn’t made for drinking!”

Sadly the bar owner didn’t see the funny side of the comment and threw him out!

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